.30 i love you always.


As I turn 31 soon, part of me wishes I could wrap 30 up in a box and be able to open it whenever I please. 30 was an amazing year- some of it a blur with kids 16 months apart, but it was amazing. 2018 is the year I felt complete, the year I truly found myself and discovered the beauty within, the year I made no apologies for who I am, and made no apologies for who I desire to be. For the first time in my life- I feel at peace with any mistakes I may have made. I learned that life is way too short to fret the small stuff, and it’s become easier for me to not worry about things I cannot not control. 2018 was a year of finding joy, being content, and loving stronger than I ever loved before.

I go into 31 with high expectations. God gives me so much grace everyday; grace is something God gives us that isn’t necessarily earned, He gives it to us simply because he loves us. If we all lived this way, imagine what this world would be.

I remind myself every night while I say my prayers that tomorrow is not promised, each day is a gift. My hope is to teach my kids this, teach them that even on their bad days everyday is a new day; my mother reminded me of this throughout my life. If mom and I had an argument, if it was a rough day, she would ALWAYS say and hold true to me that tomorrow was a new day, a new start. When I was kid and teenager I didn’t believe her when she said tomorrow is a new day, but as I grew older the more I did believe it, the more I knew it WAS true. My mother held true to her word everyday that tomorrow was a fresh start, see, if I did something to hurt her, she woke up everyday with a clean slate for me, that is truly unconditional love. It’s the unconditional love I have for my kids, my husband, and family, my intent will always be to make it known.

I’m not perfect, I screw up everyday, I’m not a perfect mother, wife, daughter, sister or friend; I run out of patience, I run out of affection, I lose my temper, I don’t always treat others how I would want to be treated, and I forget- A LOT, but I do try to make it right when I am wrong.

As the years pass I realize how little things sometimes can be big things, but yet I’m learning that often times the little things like tantrums, or not seeing eye to eye 100% of the time with my husband are not reasons to have a meltdown, or not worth getting angry or upset about. I have learned quite a few times that we can want, pray for, and desire something; we can work so hard to get what we want, but ultimately it isn’t up to us. The saying that things happen when you least expect them to has held true to me. I have 3 babies who have proven it to me. I’ve been told way more times no than yes, and I now know all those no’s where actually blessings. When the time is right, it’ll always be right. Paul and I have both been turned down many times for jobs, we were turned down for 3 1/2 years when we were trying to become parents. Looking back on the let downs, wow, am I glad we had some no’s. It’s crazy to imagine where we’d be if some of those no’s had been a yes. If I would have been granted a child when I wanted one, I wouldn’t have Michael, I would not have Thomas, I would not have Julia. If I had been offered some of the crazy jobs I’d applied for, wow who knows how stressed out I’d be. When I got a job working for the courts, I had applied for many other jobs, jobs that I thought were mine- the only job I got an offer on was the job I thought was most out of reach. My job with the courts turned out to be one of the best experiences I ever had, it came during a time in my life that I needed this type of job. I was struggling with anxiety, and staying sober. This job, opened my eyes, I worked a lot in child protection, I quickly learned how great of a mom I actually was, how blessed I was. I saw people who were dealing with much more mental illnesses than me. I also met my mentor, Judge Aronson, him and I are a lot alike. We both had similar personalities, and both of us had at one time struggled with substance abuse. He helped me, he was someone I was able to speak to on my bad days. I left my job with the courts to stay at home with the kids. I am so glad today that I never got any of those other jobs. I never would be where I am mentally today if it wasn’t for my role as a Senior Court Clerk.

I go into 2019 not knowing what it’ll bring and I am completely content with this. I struggle at times on whether or not I am ready to go back to work or continue being at home. I apply for jobs that look appealing and I know when the timing is right, it’ll happen. It’s such a blessing to have the ability to be picky. The one thing I am certain of going into 2019, NO MORE KIDS! My heart is full. I have 3 amazing kids, I have a husband that I wouldn’t trade for the world, I am mentally well, I am sober, in fact, I’ll be going on 6 years of healthy living. What an amazing accomplishment, what an amazing feeing. God is so good, every.single.day.

Ash

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