Those DEEP thoughts

As a mom of 3, I often role play in my head all sorts of different scenarios of things that could happen to my family. Mostly, it involves worrying that something may happen to one of the children and they would be left severely injured or face death. Over time my social anxiety has decreased; however, my fear of something bad happening to one of the children has increased. In other words, yes, there is always something. Anxiety is powerful, sometimes more powerful than the eye can see.

Recently my husband and I scheduled myself to have a hysterectomy due to painful, and heavy periods- mostly painful. The risk for complications are a little bit higher for me due to my previous c-sections. As we were driving home from the appointment, it hit me that I could die. Even during all 3 of my c-sections, I never feared death. Something in me has changed, I’m guessing for the better. I’ve realized my value to my family, and that without me my family would struggle tremendously.

They NEED me.
My husband NEEDS me.

On our drive home, I began to cry out of the blue, we began to talk about what our last wishes would be; would we be cremated, or buried. What we want our funeral to be like. Where I’d want my ashes to go.

I told my husband what I would want him to do with my belongings, what I would want him to keep for my kids.
What a crazy thought. I know it is important to discuss it, but dang, it’s not something you want to even think about.

Our life is a gift, it could be taken from us at any second.

A couple days later I decided to write each of my children a letter, and let them know my wishes for them; I wrote to them my mistakes in life, and how I prayed they wouldn’t make them. I told them what they meant to me. I told my kids how I want them to always take care of their dad, and how special he is to me. I told them what I dream of their wedding day to be like, and they need to make sure their dad buys them whatever they want! HA. Well- I should say I told Julia to make sure she gets whatever wedding dress she wants, and money isn’t an option- that it is my gift to her. I also told each of them to make sure their dad has a nice suit, because knowing their dad, he’d buy something pretty cheap, and I want him to look and feel amazing.

I told them my most important wish of them, which I tell them everyday- to treat others the way we would want to be treated. I believe if you treat others how you would want to be treated, you for the most part will have it reciprocated from others, and if you don’t- it’s not you, they have something they are sad or angry about.

Our lives are truly a gift, a gift from God.
We are valuable, and worthy.

We are meant to live full and meaningful lives.

Today, I can look back on my life, and see my mistakes, see my trials, and I know that they were all doors opening me to great and beautiful things. Every mistake, every trial was a lesson, and a new beginning.

I have been told no many times, my husband has been told no many times, and we have learned over time how great the no’s were and how if they would have been yes’s, our lives would have turned out very differently.

I believe every single day that I have a great life, that I have the best life. Sure, I have bad days when I struggle, get overwhelmed, and want to quit…but I can’t, why? Simple, I have an amazing life, and this is because of hard work, and never settling.

I know there will be days when I will go back and cry pondering death, but this life is too beautiful to worry about it. I do think it’s necessary to have these hard conversations with our loved ones and spouses. I can easily let my fear of the unknown take over, let my anxiety win, but I won’t, I will live for today, everyday.

Can you say you will live for today, everyday?

❤ Ash

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