Forever Friend

For the last few weeks we’ve been in transition mode waiting to move into our new house. Thankfully we are in our new home now. The past weeks were spent with friends, lots of catching up that was way overdue. I realized how truly blessed my husband and I are to have the small group of friends we have. The group is small. It is a group of friends we could call for anything at anytime of the day and we know they’d be there at the drop of a hat.

I spent years of my life trying to make friends and trying to win people over and like me. This small group of friends my husband and I have that we have made over the last ten years made me realize I never needed to “make friends” and that I never needed to try to do anything to “win” a friend. My anxiety for the longest time made me believe that I had to pretend to be someone I was not because I truly believed people would not like me for me.

…I know now that this was a very false way of thinking.

Friends shouldn’t be hard.
Friends should be easy… you should feel comfortable without trying at all.

img_0954-1I have one bestie who has been my “person” since I was 15. I literally trust her with my deepest secrets, and she knows things about me that no one else will ever know. Krista was always there for me during my infertility journey; she was always a steady shoulder to cry on. We got pregnant the same time with our firsts. This was such a happy exciting time for the both of us. We were best friends, pregnant together. I had spent years trying to conceive and she ended up pregnant not even trying. I secretly was always envious of that. I don’t think I ever needed to share that with her.

…I know she knew.5460FE6C-6D6A-41ED-8614-5BE9D6383ABC

I had my baby January 19th, and she gave birth to her sweet Colten February 15th. I received a phone call from her the next day- a phone call I would never forget. Her sweet baby boy was being airlifted to Children’s Hospital. Right before they were about to be released a nurse noticed that something didn’t sound right on his heart. It was quickly determined the hospital they were at was not equipped to handle what could be wrong. Krista and her husband spent the first 7 months of Colten’s life in a hospital, Colten had many open heart surgeries. He fought for 3 years.

Colten was beautiful.
Colten was a precious gift to many people.
Colten touched every single person’s life that ever knew him.
He was perfect. He was exactly what God wanted, what God created.
Colten taught so many people so many great lessons.
I’ll love Colten forever.
I still cry so many tears about Colten. I loved him.

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I also still cry many tears for Krista.
I think I always will.

This is where Krista and me kinda had a rough patch. I wasn’t sure our friendship could ever be the same after this. How can I ever say the right words to her? How will I ever be able to bring Michael around her? Will she ever find peace and joy again?
…If I lost a child, I do not know if I would survive.

Well it took us years. It took us a hell of a long time to find comfort with each other again. We actually took a small break. We still loved each other. We still enjoyed each other’s company. We still we ultimately were the same people…but each of us had grown and matured in so many incredible ways. We were also so very different than we used to be.

Let me explain…
I don’t know if Krista really ever knew the true me, a lot of times I was drinking or had been on way too many pain pills when we would see each other or talk. Did she really know who I was? Nope. Because it took me up until about a year ago to find out who I truly was. I had been living in a rut. I was living in substance abuse, and full fledged anxiety. I also grew in many ways making me not the same person I’d used to be. I went through an infertility journey that was very painful, even though Krista was always an amazing shoulder to cry on, she would never know. She’d never understand. Just like she would never understand what it was like to be mesmerized by substances.

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I also did not understand what it was like to not have my a child alive. I didn’t know how to be there for someone who had lost a child. …she didn’t know how she needed me to be there for her either. It was difficult. It was painful. I love Krista. I want her to understand me. I know she wants me to understand her. How could we make this work?

Well…
We tried to talk through it. We eventually worked through it. I found out what made her tick. I did the work. No. We did the work. We both knew we valued each other and this friendship was worth working through.

Today Krista and I are at an amazing point in our friendship. We have both matured in so many ways. I am so unbelievably proud of Krista, just as she is incredibly proud of me. We still talk about Colten. She will tell me if I say something to her that makes her upset, she will also tell me thank you when I speak of Colten or bring him up. We talk about it. We talk about my issues that I had in the past.B83852FB-6B56-48F2-A7AB-074974BBD905

Oddly enough we both have 3 children, 2 of which are exactly a month apart. I believe God sent Krista to me as a gift. He gave me a friendship I can always treasure. I’m so grateful for her. She is my sister. I love her unconditionally, just as she does to me.

If you have a friend like this, keep her or him. Hold them tight in your heart.
Chances are you’ll only get one.

…love you Krista. ❤

❤ Ash

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