Anxiety. You Suck.

I’m 30 years old.
I am just now starting to remember the strangely odd things that I used to obsess over.

img_4604-1


 

I remember I would go “lay” down to go to sleep, and I would get up every 3-5 minutes to try to go to the bathroom because I was scared I would have an accident in bed.
There was no reason for me to do this.
I never had accidents.

I would lay in bed at night and I would obsess over what would happen if there was a fire. How would I get out of the house? What would I grab? Would my cat make it out? What about the dog? What if the fire alarm batteries weren’t working?! I would lay awake at night for hours worrying about this.

I also had a stage where I was absolutely terrified that someone would break into our house and try to kill me or my loved ones.

I am not kidding.

I would hide under my sheets, and lay awake terrified, for no reason.

img_4889-2

I have always bitten my nails…or to be more specific, my skin. Anytime I think, I literally bite my nails. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I actually had a boyfriend break up with me because he said he could not stand watching me bite my nails. I’ve gotten infections. I cant even tell you how bad my fingers have always hurt my whole life. I don’t care though, in some sort of crazy way, it’s a way I get rid of my stress.

I also was terrified to stay home alone. I would sit and watch out the window from the time my parents were gone until the time they got back because I was scared someone would come and try to break into our house.

I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.
I kept it a secret because I was embarrassed.

It’s so sad.
If I would have spoke up. I could have gotten help.
I did everything possible to hide it.

It’s not since years into my sobriety, therapy, and medications, I finally have been able to remember these things I used to do. It is NUTS. I literally did not remember any of these things I used to do until I turned 30.

My brain blocked it out.
Why?
What was it trying to protect me from?

Anxiety sucks you dry.
I wish I would have received help when I was a kid.
I’m not healed from anxiety, but I am healthy- as healthy as I’ve ever been.

I still bite my nails.
I still bite the side of my cheeks like it’s no ones business.
I still have occasional minor panic attacks.
I still make a big deal over small things.
I have my tool box though.
I have my Zoloft
I have my support team.
I do the work.

I control it now. It does not control me.

img_2708

❤ Ash

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Anxiety. You Suck.

  1. Natalie Sarah says:

    I have always had thoughts like this worrying about stupid things that will probably never happen and are too silly to tell people what I am thinking and I’ve only just recently starting realising that it’s my anxiety and it’s not normal because to me it is normal because I’ve felt like this my whole life and I used to do the biting of skin around my nails and biting my cheeks but luckily I have calmed down on this now ☺

    Like

  2. Soul Searching says:

    Anxiety is really frustrating and definitely affects your daily functioning! We encourage you to keep reaching out, keep trying, and never give up the fight. Speaking to a counsellor is also a good way to keep you grounded and stable 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s