I’m 30 years old.
I am just now starting to remember the strangely odd things that I used to obsess over.
I remember I would go “lay” down to go to sleep, and I would get up every 3-5 minutes to try to go to the bathroom because I was scared I would have an accident in bed.
There was no reason for me to do this.
I never had accidents.
I would lay in bed at night and I would obsess over what would happen if there was a fire. How would I get out of the house? What would I grab? Would my cat make it out? What about the dog? What if the fire alarm batteries weren’t working?! I would lay awake at night for hours worrying about this.
I also had a stage where I was absolutely terrified that someone would break into our house and try to kill me or my loved ones.
I am not kidding.
I would hide under my sheets, and lay awake terrified, for no reason.
I have always bitten my nails…or to be more specific, my skin. Anytime I think, I literally bite my nails. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I actually had a boyfriend break up with me because he said he could not stand watching me bite my nails. I’ve gotten infections. I cant even tell you how bad my fingers have always hurt my whole life. I don’t care though, in some sort of crazy way, it’s a way I get rid of my stress.
I also was terrified to stay home alone. I would sit and watch out the window from the time my parents were gone until the time they got back because I was scared someone would come and try to break into our house.
I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.
I kept it a secret because I was embarrassed.
It’s so sad.
If I would have spoke up. I could have gotten help.
I did everything possible to hide it.
It’s not since years into my sobriety, therapy, and medications, I finally have been able to remember these things I used to do. It is NUTS. I literally did not remember any of these things I used to do until I turned 30.
My brain blocked it out.
What was it trying to protect me from?
Anxiety sucks you dry.
I wish I would have received help when I was a kid.
I’m not healed from anxiety, but I am healthy- as healthy as I’ve ever been.
I still bite my nails.
I still bite the side of my cheeks like it’s no ones business.
I still have occasional minor panic attacks.
I still make a big deal over small things.
I have my tool box though.
I have my Zoloft
I have my support team.
I do the work.
I control it now. It does not control me.