I wish I could write a letter to myself 10 years ago when I was deep in my infertility journey, when I used substances to cope with the stress and the anxiety of not being in control.

It controlled me.

My letter would go something like this:

Dear Miss Ashley,

I know right now you think nothing is going your way, you want a baby so bad. Let me tell you something. …you’re gonna have three. beautiful. babies.

You will have your little frozen embryo baby- your ivf baby. … you’ll be content for a hot minute, and soon, you’ll be wishing for more. You’ll cry and cry over all the failed pregnancy tests, you’ll drink your sadness away, you’ll take your pills to make you not feel. It won’t get you anywhere. You will put your husband through hell and back trying to fix you. …and come to find out… you’ll get an awesome job working with judges and attorneys. You’ll love it. You’ll think your whole life is finally starting to make sense… and you’ll become content. Content with your family. … but just you wait… God is going to throw you some curves. You will take a pregnancy test one morning before work. You’ll see a line. You won’t believe it.

How is this possible? The doctors told you that you’d never get pregnant naturally. … HOW? …

You’ll decide to be a stay at home mom. To raise those babies. …

So along comes your second, what a beautiful gift. You won’t sleep for 6 months because he has colic. You’ll be so tired. Worn down. You’ll be wondering how you could go from not being able to have kids… to being able to and wondering if you will be able to handle the 2 you got. … then….

8 months into #2, comes a surprise #3. No. How? Tears will pour out. Not because you’re happy, but because your scared. Terrified. You’ll wonder how you’ll take care of 3 kids, how will you be able to love them all the same?! You’ll be so tired. You’ll never have energy again. …you’ll cry for days. You’ll find out after having 2 beautiful baby boys, you will welcome a little girl into your world. …then…

Bam. You realize this is how it was supposed to be. You tried so hard, wished so hard, worried so much, but you never needed to.

It was all meant to be. You will have your beautiful family of five.

You’ll buy your big beautiful white home, with that American flag hanging in the front yard.

You’ll love your husband more and more every single day.

.all the fears. .all the anxiety.

.all the worry. .all the heartache.

You see… it all was meant to be. It’ll turn out EXACTLY how you wanted it to.

Worrying did nothing. It never will. Live fearlessly. Be thankful. Be confident. You are beautiful. You are smart. You do not need alcohol, you do not need pills.

You will get to that place you always dreamed of.

Be gentle. Be still. Embrace.

Smile. Relax.

Everyday is a new day.

Most importantly- know.

-time does heal everything-



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